Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
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last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
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My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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