Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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