my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
