All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
