cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
