i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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