so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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