You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
