I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
