Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
