I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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