you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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