i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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