I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
