Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My penis needs a shock collar
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
