yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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