This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
