Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
