my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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