i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
