I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Someone came in the potted fern
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I enjoy the company of your penis
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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