so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
