I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
