i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
