I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
