he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
