when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
