you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
