I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
my sisters under your porch take her home
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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