Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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