I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
