did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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