she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize