Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
