Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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