Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
