ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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