I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
