I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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