You're completely useless in the revolution.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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