if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
