upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
