I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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