The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
