i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
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Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
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Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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