On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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