I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
