pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
i've created a new STD.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
