I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
