I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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