First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
