We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
