so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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