Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
