if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
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