I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Alive.
So much puke
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
