How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
